-If I Were To Know-

If I Were To Know

 

 

If I were to know this would happen, we won't be suffering right now.

If I were to know this would happen, we shouldn't have met at the first place.

If I were able to change everything, I wish I'm the one who is suffering now.

If I were able to change everything, I should have ignored you in the first place.

If only I were able to realise this earlier~

 

I am walking alone on the street. Feeling lost, I looked around and scanned for some other human beings besides me. I could only see lights and the 7-eleven shop on my right. I don't know why but I happened to stop in front of it. I looked inside the store. I was totally confused and I stepped into the store.

Without much thinking, I just happened to grab a bottle of mineral water and I saw another hand holding the same bottle as mine. Before looking at the one holding the bottle as I am, I was thinking, "Who are you? Why are you holding the bottle when there are so many other similar bottles here? Believe me you won't get it!" I looked up with anger towards the one taking the bottle. When I looked at her, my anger disappeared. I was too shocked to look at her.

She looked as if she was being sent from heaven. She has a pair of beautiful eyes and a warm smile. Instantly, I let my hand down and looked at her. She takes the bottle of water and hands it to me. I looked at her with a puzzled look. She said, "You can have it."

Her voice! It's like a voice of an angel. Trying to be a gentleman, I said, "It's alright. I can get another one in there."

Suddenly, I yell at myself silently. "Wait a second!" I said to myself. It's just not me! Never in my memory have I let a person have something that belongs to me. But, her smile, her voice, and her beautiful eyes melted my heart. She started insisting that I take it and I actually smiled, a smile that comes sincerely from my heart, and I took it. I started to feel nervous. Something about her make me wanted to know her even more.

After handing me the bottle, she grabbed another bottle and headed towards the counter. It took me a minute to regain back my senses and I followed her to the counter as well. We paid for our drinks separately and she left the shop first. I quickly followed her and managed to catch up with her. I said, "Hey! Wait up!"

She stopped and turned to look at me. I managed to stop in front of her. She looked at me questioningly. I started the conversation first. "Are you in a hurry?"

She shook her head. I asked, "What's your name?"

She smiled. I felt like flying up in the skies when she smiled at me. She said, "Jyn. What about yours?"

I quickly answered, "Shawn."

We started a small talk, and I ended up walking her back to her house. We exchanged our phone numbers and I promised to hang out with her. Since our short meeting, I keep text messaging her and calling her. I managed to bring her out and have fun together. Both of us were like married couple and many had misunderstood about our relationship too. She acted as if she doesn't care although I had a feeling that she loves me. At the same time, I wanted to tell her how I felt. I really wanted to tell her how much I love her but, I can't. I'm afraid and worried as well.

My friends persuaded me to confess to her. On Valentine's Day, I managed to call her out and when we were walking together alone during the night, I confessed. I told Jyn how much I loved her, how much I wanted her at my side. I was preparing myself for a rejection but it ended up when she said that she loves me too. I was so shocked and happy as well. It was the happiest moment in my life after all these years.

But, never did I know that I made a terrible mistake. I shouldn't have confessed to her. She shouldn't have accepted me. It is because I'm not a normal being. I'm dangerous and I have more enemies than friends. I'm active during the nights. My name was popular in those night streets. I'm one of those 'big brothers' in the street gangs. I have my own clan and was involved in numerous fights. I never smiled because I'm not one who should be smiling. People are scared when they see me. But, honestly I don't like the feeling of it. I have no family members. My friends are not sincere to me. They take advantages of me.

Everything changed when I met Jyn. I felt free and happier with her. I wanted her more than anything else. I wanted to protect her from any danger. I wanted to see her happy with her life. I don't want to see her suffer. I hid my secrets from her. I didn't want her to know about it as I'm afraid that she might leave me. But, God knows everything. She eventually found out about the secret I hid from her. At first I thought she will be mad at me but she didn't. She just comforted me and made me promise to tell her everything next time. I was so happy to have such an understanding partner.

Things changed when my enemies learnt about Jyn. They had tried to harm her several times. Luckily I had placed some men to protect her. She managed to escape from all those accident that had purposely been plotted to harm her. Jyn knew nothing about it and I didn't plan to tell her anything. I don't want to make her worried. I had a number fights with those guys but, no matter how many times I fought, I knew it was useless. The only way to ensure Jyn's safety was to leave her. I needed to dump her so that my enemies would leave her for good. It took me days to consider about that decision. But for the sake of Jyn, I had to leave her.

I started to treat Jyn coldly and it's broke my heart. I had to hurt her by using harsh words. She patiently waited for me to change and kept everything herself. She had to go and do everything herself. She was alone again in her own world. There was once I secretly followed her and saw her crying alone. It was killing me inside. I wanted to go and tell her how sorry I was, to tell her why I was treating her like that.

Jyn left my world. I'm alone now in my world, back to my daily routine. Everyday, my life is like hell without her. One day I found out that Jyn had already started a new life. She had a new guy in her life. My heart hurt deeply but, I was actually wishing them all the best. I was hoping that he might treat her better than I do. I started to move on with the memory between me and Jyn in my heart.

Till one day, my enemies made their move towards Jyn again. Jyn was wounded in her head and hand. I got mad and started to plan a fight. But, this time, I'm going alone. All my so-called 'friends' didn't want to participate in the fight. I didn't care. My enemies asked me to meet them at past midnight. I know I wasn't going to survive this time. I was going to fight with 15 of them alone. It was the best time for them to take their vengeance towards me. I knew if I went there, I won't be able to come back alive. I didn't care. I wanted to protect Jyn till the end of my life. I went to fight. It was like what I expected. I lost and was badly hurt. Blood was everywhere. They left me on the floor and I was lying down like a dead fish. I knew my time has come. I managed to get my phone out and dialled Jyn's number.

She answered my call with a cold voice. It cut my heart deeply. But, I have to tell her how much I love her before I die. I said, "Jyn, let me do the talking for now. I'm afraid I don't have much time."

She didn't answer. I took it as a yes. I started to say, "Jyn, by now, this might be the last time you hear my voice. I won't be able to meet you anymore. Everything that happened to you is my entire fault." I stopped for a moment. I'm having difficulties to move. But, thinking of this very last chance, I forced myself to be stronger. I continued, "My enemies plotted all those accidents to take revenge on me. To protect you, I had to leave you. I shouldn't have confessed to you at the first place. Or I should say we shouldn't have met at the first place. But, it's didn't proved that I didn't love you. I truly love you, but, I can't spend my life with you. Living with me is far too dangerous. I heard about your new life and I sincerely wish you all the best and for you to find happiness."

I heard Jyn crying. My heart hurts a lot. I started to cry too. I forced myself to continue. "Tonight, I will make them stop disturbing your life, to stop hurting you. To stop them, I got to do it alone."

Jyn started to talk. She said, "Shawn, what are you talking about? I don't mind getting hurt. Where are you now? Let me know. I'll go there and we talk this out. Don't leave me can you?" and she started to cry.

I said, "Jyn, listen to me. Start anew. I'm not going to tell you where I am. Stop crying Jyn. Forget me if you can. Listen here. This will be my last confession to you. Jyn, I love you."

And darkness started to surround me. Right before I went unconscious, I heard Jyn crying and yelling my name. I know it's hard for her but its too late for me to do anything.