Life and Death

Life and Death

before he came out into my life, i don't mind about dying early... or should i say, i opened towards death...i no longer afraid of dying early..this open feeling towards death grow in me when i start suffering headache, which doctor can't find the cause...i got to go through several doctors and finally, i found a doctor who could temporary put my pain into rest...but early of the year, i finished my medication and the pain stop..i thought i survive this time, but my nightmare came back to me...

i started feeling the pain in me but i thought it's just stress or maybe it's just the weather...slowly, i can feel my head damn heavy and it cause my temper turned bad..i often feel tired and moody...it started to show the symptom...i got scared...i don't want it to come back...

i'm not planning to tell my parents...not now..the treatment cost heavily and i have to keep going back there..i hate the feeling...i can't stand watching my mom cry and my dad stress bout me...

i still can control the pain...but, i just suddenly fear that i would die...

since he came into my life, everything change...i don't want to leave this world early...i rather he left me first...i want to be with him forever...i really love him...i guess...i think of him and when i realise my stupid 'old friend' are back, i don't want him to know about it...but, due to my carelessness, he found out...honestly, i cried when chatting with him bout my condition...the way he treat me really touched me deeply...all the while with almost all my ex, i got to compromise with them and sometimes i got to hurt myself to satisfied them...but, being with him, i feel being treat nice after so long...he meant alot to me though....

i don't know what i want...i got so messed up...but, i still pray that god don't take me away now..not now...i almost cried when chelle reply me saying she doensn't want to loose me...chelle, i won't want to loose you either...

besides,

i don't want to loose dear either