it's the end...

after all this struggling, i just cant make it. i failed it again. i hurt the person i love again. all this while, it's a mistake and i really don't want to give this love up. but, i cant carry this any longer. i had lost myself..my true self. just like what Terrence had ask me. "Where's the crazy hyperactive Elaine i know?" i just say that she's dead. she's really dead. 


memories that aren't meant to be forgotten seems to be fading away. i miss the time when everything is more than just fine. i miss him and i gave up many things for him. friends, me and myself. but, it's just not enough. no matter what, i can't give him what he wants the most. security. and trust. i'm a failure. just fail to be a good partner. 
i wasn't in the right condition to be in a relationship now. it's just will ended up heart broken and stabbing of wounds. i should not have follow what i feel at the first place. all the time i follow what i see but because of him, i let my feel rules. a bad decision...returning back to him. i love him, i really do...but it just don't make it.


Quan~
i'm sorry... i know u wont waste ur time reading this. but if u eventually passes by here, this is what i have for you.. 
what i can say i already try to explain in sms..i cant talk to u coz it will be bad..things wont be corrected. everything that happen, i can't blame it all on you. my fault for this. i just can't take up any more stuff in me. you can't be my priority in everything. i got to tell you, i take back my thinking. money is important. even me now can't live without money. and, our temper really cause everything right now. i just feel it's the time to put it to rest for a moment. i'm not the right one for you. i still love you but i can no longer promise u anything. 






things have been falling apart for me. i cant recall who i once was. i looked into the mirror and i saw KAORI instead of ELAINE. 
who am i? what am i? what the HELL am i doing here?! it's pathetic and it's just sad. i want to be myself. i miss ELAINE yet, im used to be Kaori. 
the pain in me..it's hurtful..but i got no choice...i cant stand the pain...i feel like jumping down from my condo to end all this...


disappearing from the crowd for a few days...that's the only thing i can do...