175th post a.k.a last post

peeps~~ i had moved to a new blog, 

http://kaoriheart-bloggie.blogspot.com

relink me there and don't mind to drop me a message for me to link you guys~~

^^

love, 

elaine~

blogskin

aiksss....looks like it's time to change my blogskin...><

haiz

managed to steal some time to type something here. i dont know will anyone be bother, but i do.
i don't know what or why i am turning like tis..i just cant find the selfishness that are needed now.
im scare of making friends now...especially guys. im afraid...im afraid people take me more than just a friend. im worried that i might have drive them into some hell-stop.
like what dearie had said to me. he say, guys wanted to find me cause of one thing...to be more than friends. i suddenly recall what albee had told me before. she doesnt want to treat a guy nice coz, whenever she just care a little about them, they will eventually drive her crazy with those likeness and blah blah blah.
honestly, im confused with everything around me. i found out something that have been seriously kept away from me. i cursed myself for being idiot and look for the answer. now, im fully filled with guilt and my head is spinning round.
this is not the ending i want...why on earth do i have to hurt everyone? i somehow wish i have the look when im in form1 where im nerdy, ugly and dumb gal with no one to love and care...arent life more beautiful that way?

done with my 1st sem

finally, i no longer known as junior...>< well, sort of...
finished all the exam today and i just cant bring myself to rest. i just screwed up everything.. i study darn hard for it yet, nothing came to my mind when im facing the paper..argh!! feel like crying there..im just pray that i can pass...i cant afford to resit the two paper...TT

thought of giving full update today but, i think it's gonna be drag till some other day.... ^^

stop the pain

STOP TREATING ME THAT GOOD! i just totally dont deserve it! ITALY and HOLLAND are not meant on me! im hurting deeply when u tried to pretend happy, im hurting badly when i could not bring myself for you and im just hurting badly for not able to give you back what you want.
just give me the damn lifeless heart. let me have a soul and not a heart. let me endure numbness rather than pain. hurt me rather than helping me. kill me, rather than spare me. 
its hurt when seeing your message. and, it kills when i just cant move my hand to press the DELETE button. what the heck is wrong with me?!

materialistic

suddenly come to this word and remind me of what you have said. why did you broke up with your rich boyfriend? why didn't you accept that rich fella? 


i was dissapointed when you threw that out to me. do i act like i live on materials? i live on my own life in which i was proud to have it. i dont like to be pamper with gifts and money. it makes me feel so..so...so...cheap. i like to be pampered with love and attention. that's all.

honestly, i cant blame you for that.. many gals nowadays live on it. materialistic. making themselves feminine and pretty to get those attention. thats why i never class myself as gal. im taking myself more to guy-self, gal-body. not lala but lamo...(*lamo is a new term i create myself...it's lala and emo yet nt the overdo point*)

just some post to talk about. just cant get the conversation out of mind..urgh!

hmmmmm

hmmm......about time to update...i was studying actually but, i just decided to write something for a moment...so-called self release...
tomorrow exam and i was half way there...ok...maybe half way to half way...but, whatever!! im not the study type of person so, its a miracle that i actually read through all the web contents! hmmmm
received call from my cousin from penang and she was throwing questions about my relationship stuff. well, she's not the first one actually. she was right. i just have to face it.i cant hide it forever. she was thinking of breaking up as well.well, to say, we both share the same problem...almost i guess...


im trying to heal. really am.. i wanted to delete all the messages, our promise, our love but im always stuck there..i cant do it. i try to distract myself but it just wont work. what the hell was wrong with me? i keep telling myself, he's not ur first guy! you got into so many rship before and u can just put it on rest easily. but why cant i do it now? well, an answer to my thought. he's the first guy i love till the bottom of my heart. whenever i saw the word ITALY and HOLLAND, i thought of our memories. 
i praised myself for not crying that frequent anymore. i felt a little proud for it. girl, you are stepping out of it. 

someone told me that i was the only person he trust to tell out all his secret and things he was doing without anyone knows. before these periods, i will be very proud and happy to hear it, but, i dont. i feel like a failure cause, i dont have the strong will to listen and share.i was hanging on myself rather than anything.