it's the end...

after all this struggling, i just cant make it. i failed it again. i hurt the person i love again. all this while, it's a mistake and i really don't want to give this love up. but, i cant carry this any longer. i had lost myself..my true self. just like what Terrence had ask me. "Where's the crazy hyperactive Elaine i know?" i just say that she's dead. she's really dead. 


memories that aren't meant to be forgotten seems to be fading away. i miss the time when everything is more than just fine. i miss him and i gave up many things for him. friends, me and myself. but, it's just not enough. no matter what, i can't give him what he wants the most. security. and trust. i'm a failure. just fail to be a good partner. 
i wasn't in the right condition to be in a relationship now. it's just will ended up heart broken and stabbing of wounds. i should not have follow what i feel at the first place. all the time i follow what i see but because of him, i let my feel rules. a bad decision...returning back to him. i love him, i really do...but it just don't make it.


Quan~
i'm sorry... i know u wont waste ur time reading this. but if u eventually passes by here, this is what i have for you.. 
what i can say i already try to explain in sms..i cant talk to u coz it will be bad..things wont be corrected. everything that happen, i can't blame it all on you. my fault for this. i just can't take up any more stuff in me. you can't be my priority in everything. i got to tell you, i take back my thinking. money is important. even me now can't live without money. and, our temper really cause everything right now. i just feel it's the time to put it to rest for a moment. i'm not the right one for you. i still love you but i can no longer promise u anything. 






things have been falling apart for me. i cant recall who i once was. i looked into the mirror and i saw KAORI instead of ELAINE. 
who am i? what am i? what the HELL am i doing here?! it's pathetic and it's just sad. i want to be myself. i miss ELAINE yet, im used to be Kaori. 
the pain in me..it's hurtful..but i got no choice...i cant stand the pain...i feel like jumping down from my condo to end all this...


disappearing from the crowd for a few days...that's the only thing i can do...

DIE

time really passed very fast. in just a blink of eyes, it's the last week of the month. i've been in SEGi for about a month already. well, i love everyone there and the bonding among us are great!

assignment are all up on my brain...thinking when can i just drop everything down. all of a sudden, i miss SENTOSA life. wish i can be back there. TT

now, my life is all about satisfaction. nothing much different from hunting for money and attention. i just wish, everything can go back to the time when i can make a better and right decision. i often wonder how my life will be if i didn't do that decision and more..

Netbook!!

went to PC FAIR in KLCC and unexpectedly, i bought a netbook!!! thanks to my mom...thank thank thanks you so so so so so much mummy!!! planning to meet up with some friends but failed...

just some short update. and, i just came out with a new term...LaMo!!! will tell u guys more about it next update! haha

latest update!!!

work like hell!!! argh!!!! hectic week....assignment attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Laine~

Weeeeeeeeeeeee~~~~ finally i got a new haircut...^^ so happy...i finally got to get rid a lump of hair right in front of my eyes. happy and glad actually. but, having the lump of hair out of my face is a nightmare. i actually spend RM37 on the darn head.

my mom asked me to try the new saloon at the giant there. ended up, my hair looked like SHIT! damn him.finally, we gone back to the previous saloon and get it all done. one bad news was, my hair was as short as the first time i had my haircut. sad!


went to pasar malam with chelle~ met kit and steve there as well. nearly wanted to find a fault with a gang of idiot assholes. all happened when we stop at a stall selling jeweleries. and, it's obviously are for GIRLS! 3 girls(from their group)..anyway, did i mentioned that the group of guys are indians and the girls are chinese? the three bitches not those pretty girls...they dont have the look at all! they keep pushing around and it's amazing the stall still stand still. i got frustrated when the guys are spending their very own sweet time with the girls earring and joking with the three girls.i just walked and stood by them. another guy by my right who is fat and short say EXCUSE ME that loudly and i just stared at him. he showed me sign that he wanted to pass. i was like wat the heck! nobody is behind me and yet he want me to step back for him. i just moved and keep staring hardly at him. guess what? he joined his friends and started the plan breaking the stall down.the boss was trying to keep the stall standing. kenny was giving warning saying if he got bang again, he gonna hit them. i wanted to join and thinking why wait...now also can start the caremony. i keep talking loudly beside them and stare back when they turned to look at me.finally they went off for real.

[b3for3] and [aft3r]

sienz

IM BORED!!!!!!!

some yelling have to be done. tension even at home. those sounds and faces, i just feel like tearing it all apart...i barely able to concentrate my assignment. laptop was so huge and heavy, i cant just find a small place for it. i don't have own room to do my stuff and worst, i cant live in my house by my way. damn those bitches and asshole. aargh!!!! just tense...

thanks to my mom(i dun mean to put the fault on her) i lost two jobs. and say goodbye to my $$

i have to admit that i'm quite emo these few days...sorry bout it~ i will try to cheer up as soon as possible~ 

miss the time~

150th post

today seriously not a day to me. slept late yesterday and ended up woke up at 12 today. stupid weather make me all sweaty and now, worse. got a feeling gonna sick soon. panadol on the way to my aid. 
stupid laggy lappy! gone so slow today. gonna sream if i was given a chance. and the asshole beside me, im swear im gonna slap him soon. dang it! 
it's like my head gonna explode soon. FUCK it! damn!!!!!!!

tired!

had a tiring day yesterday. i can barely sleep for the night and suddenly, my dad woke me up early at 7 and my mom came in asking me whether i want to work or not. ended up, gone to work for the sake of that money which can help me up alot. work work work and got back home. for almost the whole day i feel full and can barely eat. at night, rushed for my assignment, and ended up gastric. any how, managed to finished it up at 1 a.m.

gone to study today and yeap~ enjoy my day there. laughed greatly at albee and the others. we watched a movie, SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION today. i great show that makes me feel wanna live in prison. XD anyway, we also got another individual assignment for it. during lunch, the whole adp march intakes junior went for lunch with the seniors by the side at mcd! almost the whole class is there, (march intake oni) cause, 4 people went missing. anyway, junior rawks! had class after that and realise, INTRODUCTION TO COMPUTER APPLICATION is a nightmare!  during our break, all of us use the computer there wisely by logging into FACEBOOK.COM.!got a presentation on one of a topic and gonna present it on 14th of may. group up with yee siong and jess! 

let's count, i now currently have 2 paper work assignments, and 1 presentation. another 2 are coming soon and it's gonna be a nightmare! argh!!! xD

again

i never or, maybe seldom update my blog continuously. well, i did actually but ended up lazy to continue.

just got regretted. same thing happened again. for those who knew me well, you might knew what happened about 2 years ago on me and another friend. his name just appear on my blog and he started asking me to remove it. now, same thing happen. not to blame anyone, but it's again my fault. i should keep names away from here except for some of my really good friends. well, i dare to post their name widely and big here without having a second thought.

anyway, sorry ya for the you-know-who for the trouble i gave you. promised it won't happen again. >.<

suddenly, one of my ex find me back. funny when i think of him. he somehow got a curse around him. almost all his ex, including me cannot last for 2 weeks. well, i almost made it but, K.O! the time with him are fun and sad as well. (*psst~maine, u know what i mean huh?xD*)

sometimes, i wonder am i that irritating, annoying, and blah blah blah? i keep making people around me got pissed off or even irritated. should i keep my mouth shut? gosh! confusion, conflicts, con con con! go EMO la you ELAINE!!!! AGRH!!!

laziness kills

this post is dedicated to my latest stalker, xXx a.k.a annoying, irritating, short, fat and old-underage senior who stalk me yet, make me feel i'm so so so much younger den him~ XD

well, that's just an joking-kind of opening paragraph for my senior. seriously, it's just a joke, no offense. if i did annoy or say anything wrong, i apologise first~ >.<

LAZINESS kills...so, take me as a role model! i'm not lazy~ seriously, i'm hardworking! i'm hardworking in delaying my time, homework. i'm hardworking at slacking, go to FACEBOOK.COM, SMS, chit chat and more more more~~~ see!!! told ya i'm hardworking! *winks*

back to my not-so-complicated-yet-it's-complicated life. i went back to work today and i really do miss all the workers there~ T__T i'm so afraid that my brain will rust out but lucky, it's still as fresh as normal~ WEEEEeeee~

assignment still left behind...sorry YEE SIONG! i'll work on it before thursday ends..

up to date~ 1 months and 3 more days to go for the big day!

[ mua ]

College!

little sneak peak on my college main building's entrance. i got it from Mr.Google and i will get an original one if i can find the time to take picture of it.

my college life started last week. i swore i was about to post about it but, i'm lazy..sorry! the first subject we have to face is [INTRODUCTION TO PHILOSOPHY] . boring as it sounds, but, it actually is an interesting topic. got our very first 'warm-up' assignment to talk about philosophy. did it and got to know the whole class by now, although i got a little problem remembering their names. xD

can't really talk much since i'm still new there. will update more..

i hate april fool

back here blogging, on the very first day of april which also means it's april fool day where people go around hunting and fooling people out. i received my first fool a day before april fool. dearie told me that he's going off to japan on may. i was like in a total shock that i almost cry. dang! later on he told me its just a joke! i was saying WTF to myself. worse, he asked me did i love him as much as last time when we were on the phone and i refuse to tell him what happened. well, i did cry badly.

sometimes, i really wanted to tell him badly that i do love him. much more than when we start off. i really do love him. he turned out to be a part of me. i value him more than anything else, but, he just can't feel it. i had change for him but yet, it's not what he wanted. i really wish time will go back to the time we knew each other, start all over again and continue faith in each other for better us. i knew part of the fault is on me. i hurt him before and i regretted it.

dear, no matter what, i am still yours and i really do love you..trust me please.