done with my 1st sem

finally, i no longer known as junior...>< well, sort of...
finished all the exam today and i just cant bring myself to rest. i just screwed up everything.. i study darn hard for it yet, nothing came to my mind when im facing the paper..argh!! feel like crying there..im just pray that i can pass...i cant afford to resit the two paper...TT

thought of giving full update today but, i think it's gonna be drag till some other day.... ^^

stop the pain

STOP TREATING ME THAT GOOD! i just totally dont deserve it! ITALY and HOLLAND are not meant on me! im hurting deeply when u tried to pretend happy, im hurting badly when i could not bring myself for you and im just hurting badly for not able to give you back what you want.
just give me the damn lifeless heart. let me have a soul and not a heart. let me endure numbness rather than pain. hurt me rather than helping me. kill me, rather than spare me. 
its hurt when seeing your message. and, it kills when i just cant move my hand to press the DELETE button. what the heck is wrong with me?!

materialistic

suddenly come to this word and remind me of what you have said. why did you broke up with your rich boyfriend? why didn't you accept that rich fella? 


i was dissapointed when you threw that out to me. do i act like i live on materials? i live on my own life in which i was proud to have it. i dont like to be pamper with gifts and money. it makes me feel so..so...so...cheap. i like to be pampered with love and attention. that's all.

honestly, i cant blame you for that.. many gals nowadays live on it. materialistic. making themselves feminine and pretty to get those attention. thats why i never class myself as gal. im taking myself more to guy-self, gal-body. not lala but lamo...(*lamo is a new term i create myself...it's lala and emo yet nt the overdo point*)

just some post to talk about. just cant get the conversation out of mind..urgh!

hmmmmm

hmmm......about time to update...i was studying actually but, i just decided to write something for a moment...so-called self release...
tomorrow exam and i was half way there...ok...maybe half way to half way...but, whatever!! im not the study type of person so, its a miracle that i actually read through all the web contents! hmmmm
received call from my cousin from penang and she was throwing questions about my relationship stuff. well, she's not the first one actually. she was right. i just have to face it.i cant hide it forever. she was thinking of breaking up as well.well, to say, we both share the same problem...almost i guess...


im trying to heal. really am.. i wanted to delete all the messages, our promise, our love but im always stuck there..i cant do it. i try to distract myself but it just wont work. what the hell was wrong with me? i keep telling myself, he's not ur first guy! you got into so many rship before and u can just put it on rest easily. but why cant i do it now? well, an answer to my thought. he's the first guy i love till the bottom of my heart. whenever i saw the word ITALY and HOLLAND, i thought of our memories. 
i praised myself for not crying that frequent anymore. i felt a little proud for it. girl, you are stepping out of it. 

someone told me that i was the only person he trust to tell out all his secret and things he was doing without anyone knows. before these periods, i will be very proud and happy to hear it, but, i dont. i feel like a failure cause, i dont have the strong will to listen and share.i was hanging on myself rather than anything.

many people dont trust me, dont believe whatever i say..

but i just let it be..

but why are u one of them?? 

i trust u for everything...

cant u at least ask? 

after all we gone through?

 is it just tat simple? 

that lifeless? 

im in pain again.

 i promised i try not to update an emo post..

but i cant help it..

sorry..

tears that are dried up seem to flood back in me..

i dont mind being called as a liar or what

im tired of people commenting.

i no longer who im suppose to be

urgh!!!!

argh!!!! i totally screw up my 25marks!!! TT
had a presentation today and i shud have did better if i dun rely on my papers and do more preparations. sigh. hoping for better improvement in myself soon...


heart aching. by the time im free its coming back to me. i wonder how long can i survive in this pain. it hurts even more when i knew many people are treating me good. i don't deserved it.
many are treating me as if i deserve it. but at times, i don't wish i been treated like this. im afraid that once i rely on it, it will be taken away from me. im afraid of loosing things around me. i wish i could stop gaining thus i wont be loosing much. yikes... somehow, i think im gonna hate attention that i once used to love

update

it have been some time since i update..*maybe just few days*
busy with assignment which are piling up my brain and managed to kick 3 out of 5 away... 
had my 1st presentation which was made without any preparation...cool right? even the slide were made last minute in philosophy class and the final touch was during presentation. 
works are the only thing that can make me distracted. yet, now i got problem with my part time job in bangsar. headache on the upcoming financial problem.
today, i don't know to declare it as coincident or what. 2 pairs of couple had broke up with the same reason and about the same time. yet, it surprise me when the two guys can still talk and joke like normal. im curious whether are their emotions real or fake. i don't really have a clue. even my own feeling were hard for me. 




it have been days since i last spoken to him. i keep throwing the pain out from my head. i woke up early, went to college, came back, bath and ate before having a nap, woke up at 9+ and start my work till late at night and straight went to sleep. my time were so packed that i don't allow myself to think. but, no matter how i resists, i still miss him. i still think of him whenever i flashes back to our memories that couldn't die in me. dearing..i just miss u but i couldn't bring us back to what we are. i dont have the courage and strength.

the feeling sucks...


im not any better than you...


im not doing great as well but im trying..


im bleeding inside but do you care? 


do you know about it? 


all you know was how hurt and depressed you are...


but, please, think of me.


why i did this. 


why i forced myself to make such a hurtful decision. 


how many times i had cry but do you know that? 

happy birthday to mua!

hehe...finally the childish immature elaine kum turned 18!!! so-called legal right now. haha...
although didn't do much celebration this year, but, i have many surprise for it... MARCH PSYCHO make a surprise celebration for me, daddy bought me a new phone and gor get me a teddy bear!!! thank you guys!!!


received alot wishes from facebook, msn and sms...thank for the wishes!!!




have been waiting for the whole day for a sms from him...but, i think im gonna be dissapointed...

suprise

Went to MidValley with some of the MARC PSYCHO today...went to take ktm with jess and siong and ended up taking about an hour to reach there..got confused by the route and got sweaty all over. and, i fpund out that ktm have the ladies section where only ladies can enter...and, ktm isn't that bad after all...>.<

reached mv and headed to PIZZA to meet the other gang. met sharyl's friend there, teh. they had ordered foods for us and i eventually regretted asking my mom to fried rice for me...>.< albee keep shoving me with food and made me sit at one special corner...feel like a special guess or something...>.<

eat till half way, albee asked susila to accompany her to toilet. at first, i wanted to follow but she don't let. she asked me to finish my food first. and, guess what!!! ALBEE AND SUSILA CAME OUT WITH 2 MOOSE AND CANDLES ON IT!!! OMG!!! they made me cry... *sobs*

they sang the sweet birthday song and, thanks to the whole candle sticking idea, i have to use my mouth to pull 2 candles out from it...lucky they decided not to push my head down...

non stop photo taking caremony... i steal some from jess album in facebook to share...

and.....we watch IP MAN2 and it was super nice!!! awwww... great outing guys!!!

making my wish

everyone take turn to pose feeding me

siong

sharyl

susila

albee acted like my mom

staring at each other

peace

MARCH PSYCHO

toilet shoot

choking albee

{credit to Jess camera}

p.s// LOVE U GUYS!!!!

update

i don't know whether is this turning in to a habit now...i keep writing emo post and  it eventually calm me down...*sry to people who got frustrated with those post* im giving myself time till the 10th to stop emoing...hope i can do it...>.<


im getting better now...trying to break record on not crying tonight...wish me luck!!!


not much to update...cant wait to go mv with MARCH PSYCHO!!! 


love~

dark

i was alright throughout the day. i had tried turning my concentration on my sketch book, the only thing i can released myself now. i tried to ignore all those voices around me by plugging in the earphone with super loud voice. i tried to read all the single lines the music rang. i really thought im okay.


in the evening, i recieved a call from jason and eventually hang up. i smsed him back at 8 sth and realised he broke up with maine. or, more specific, maine broke up with him. i called maine and realise, we both are in the same shoe. no matter how much i try to concentrate, my head flew back to us. i tried to control my tears. i got to do it. i've been stop crying since yesterday. i cant break it.


foods, movie, online...i did everything...and, just the moment im all alone in the room and it's dark, the pain came back. the vision came haunting me. his pm was hurting. everything, it's like a needle through my heart. not only one but thousands and millions of it. i wanted to stop the pain...i wanted to look for my scissors and returned back to the darn habit. honestly...im still searching for it. wishing i can somehow found it.


i started to fear the night...it's scary and the silence...it's killing me...the pain...
my tears..i just cant control it...it's flooding in me...

Healing

my heart still ache and last night, i really cried badly...real bad...i was hugging myself on my bed and pour my heart out. but, honestly...although the crying was bad, i managed to make myself sleep for the whole night.


i really thank all the friends which i actually had negleted cares and be there for me...thank you guys especially marcus and jeremy...i was touched...love you guys...and i wont forget how caring you guys are even when i take some of u as jerks who love to play me...TT


my mood getting better although the vision do come back..bu, im confident enough to tell myself, i can get over it since i'm the one who decided to go this way...




just realised sth...my bday is about 6 more days to go

Sorry

I've been ignoring every single message i received and every comment on facebook and msn since my relationship status in facebook being changed. i know there's alot from people who cares. i just not ready to face everyone yet. not now.

it feels bad, to decided to leave the person you love behind. leaving him is bad and traumatic to me. but the decision had been made by myself. im the one who wanted to end all of it. i can only blame myself for causing all this misery to me and him.

i can hide no where...i desperately wanted to cry my lungs out but i can't...im just stuck here